Drunken Rambling
by HPFC Exchange
Summary: Vernon's drunk. George is pretending to be drunk. Vernon tells George everything as George continues to avenge Harry
1. Prequal

**Pairing: Vernon Dursley/George Weasley (not a romantic pairing)**

**Rating: Any**

**Must Haves: George in the Muggle World, revenge upon Vernon, public humiliation, humor, crazy things happening to Muggle items.**

**No-No's: Sonfics, drabble, sex, time-travel, slash, femmeslash, MPREG, Dramione. Stories under 1000 words.**

**Bonus Points: Working in the phrase "Well, if you don't apologize it'll stay that way."**

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**Backstory to Drunken Rambling**

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It all seemed to _finally _fall into place. For a while, ever since Fred's death, George feared that he had let his own grief murder all that Fred and he had worked _so _hard for. During the past month, George had been busy restoring their shop to its former glory and in his spare time, which rarely occurred; he tried to 'find himself' in the Muggle world because Hermione had suggested that he might find it helpful.

For a brief moment, George could almost swear that Fred was standing beside him.

"It's all falling into place, isn't it, Freddy? Who could have ever expected that the Dursleys would move in?" George murmured as he momentarily watched his new neighbors move their belongings into the flat that lay a few doors down from his own flat.

He momentarily waited for a nonexistent reply and then once he realized that he was alone; he sheepishly grinned as he jogged up the stairs to his own flat. He would introduce himself later.

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**Author's note: I wrote this addition awhile back, but I'd forgotten all about it. This part is unbeta'd but I went over it and edited.**

**Vague detail: I had decided that George would most likely move out of the flat that he had shared with Fred because staying there would be to painful for him.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's note:**

**Pairing: Vernon Dursley/George Weasley (not a romantic pairing)**

**Rating: Any**

**Must Haves: George in the Muggle World, revenge upon Vernon, public humiliation, humor, crazy things happening to Muggle items.**

**No-No's: Sonfics, drabble, sex, time-travel, slash, femmeslash, MPREG, Dramione. Stories under 1000 words.**

**Bonus Points: Working in the phrase "Well, if you don't apologize it'll stay that way."**

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**2nd Author's note: I've always thought that a conversation between drunk people is rambling, almost pointless and hilarious to listen to. This is my first time writing about two drunks and hopefully, it is amusing in some way. Feedback is welcome.**

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**Summary: Vernon's drunk. George is pretending to be drunk. Vernon is telling George _everything _as George tries to further avenge Harry Potter.**

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"It's impossible!" Vernon Dursley blustered.

"Crazy," his redheaded drinking companion, George, quickly replied with a mocking grin.

"I tell ya, George-"

"-That it couldn't have possible happened!" George interrupted.

"But it did happen!" Vernon unexpectedly wailed.

"Must have, after all, your hair is still blue," George slowly deliberated.

"Hey, _ya _are old enough to drink, right?"

"I am," George replied with a wink.

"Good! I need someone to complain to! I can't have any of us remembering this _unnatural _mess in the morning!"

George grinned; it somehow reminded Vernon of the cat that caught the canary.

"Did your wife _actually_ turn into a canary?" George quickly asked Vernon.

"She did! I would've suspected that _horrid, unnatural fre_- I mean, nephew-on Petunia's side of the family, not mine," Vernon quickly added, "He was a juvenile delinquent; locked up now, I suspect."

"Ah."

"Good riddance to him!" Vernon happily roared.

"That sounds right," George murmured.

"Petunia was a- _purple_ canary not a _yellow_ one. Canaries are supposed to be _yellow_," Vernon unexpectedly whispered.

George tried to smother his grin. Vernon sounded _far_ too horrified.

"She didn't even remember that she became a _blasted _canary!" Vernon roared.

George's eyes widened.

"Be a bit quieter, will you?" George hissed, "We don't want people to _overhear_!"

"Bah, they've probably have already overheard our conversation," Vernon mumbled.

"That doesn't matter! It's the… _principal_ of the whole thing!"

"Fine, fine," Vernon dismissively muttered.

"Now, what else happened last night? Did yer dinner run away?" George asked Vernon.

"Nah! It didn't even have a chance to run off!"

"Why?"

"Dudley had come over for dinner! The boy, well, he had disappeared for a bit- maybe an hour- in the kitchen, and well, he ate _everything_!" Vernon exclaimed as he flourished his pudgy hands in the air like a magician.

George momentarily gaped at Vernon.

"Ya must be joking!" He exclaimed.

"No – I wish that I was joking; there wasn't _anything_ left to eat. Dudley's girlfriend had come over for dinner too and she was mortified!"

"I can only imagine!"

"Luckily nothing… _unnatural _happened during that _whole _incident." Vernon confided to George, "But Dudley was a bit wonky after he ate everything."

"Did he say anything?"

"Well, he mumbled a lot about the army- I didn't _even_ know that he was planning on joining the army- luckily, they won't take him. My Dudley's disciplined but _his_ weight- anyway, they won't take him-Petunia was horrified that he'd been planning on joining the army but strangely enough, she _didn't_ calm down when I said that the army wouldn't take him!"

"Women! Can't live with them but ya can't live without them!" George exclaimed.

"That's true," Vernon ruefully admitted.

"What else did Dudley mutter about?"

"An army of food wanting him to join the army; he apparently tried to _silence_ them- but the food said otherwise and so Dudley tried to silence the army of food by eating everything," Vernon muttered, "Dudley must have been disillusioned or ill; nothing _unnatural _could have _possibly_ been involved."

"Maybe," George admitted.

"I don't _even_ want to _think_ about what it could have been. Maybe it's better to forget that it all happened? Some things go away like that."

"I don't know," George warned, "What if not thinking about everything makes everything even worse or what if-"

"All right, all right; no need to continue thinking like that. What should I do? I can't go to work with green hair again!"

"Your hair is blue- not green. By the way, ya could apologize?"

"A week ago, my hair was green… _Apologize_? Why should I have to apologize? Who should I apologize to?"

"I don't know. I just remembered that my older- by less than a minute- brother use to say that if ya didn't apologize, it would stay that way."

"Oh," Vernon mumbled, "That sounds _horrid_!"

"I know!"

"Did ya ever have to apologize?"

"Once," George reluctantly admitted.

"Did it all go away?"

"After an hour."

"That'll be too long for me," Vernon complained.

"It could _all_ last longer than that," George warned.

"Did ya ever dye your hair green?"

"No; I did dye my great-aunt Myrtle's hair green."

"How'd ya do it?"

"I don't remember," George reluctantly admitted.

"That's a shame," Vernon grumbled, "I was hoping that ya would remember."

"Why?"

"I was hoping that ya might be able to give me more in- what's the word? Insight, yeah, that's it!" Vernon replied.

"Ah."

"So should I apologize?"

"_Apologize_?"

"George, don't ya remember? Ya said that I should apologize!"

"Oh, yeah; I remember now!"

"Well, how should I apologize?"

"How? What do ya mean?"

"Well, do I give some bird a bunch of flowers?"

"Nah, not that."

"Well, then what should I do?"

"Have ya ever danced on the tabletop?"

"What does dancing on the tabletop have to do with _apologizing_?"

"_Everyone_ does it."

"_Really_?"

"They do."

"Hmmmmm…"

"Could ya dance on the table-"

"And then yell something about me apologizing?" Vernon interrupted.

"Yeah, something like that," George eagerly agreed.

"Maybe."

"You should do it!"

"Not right now."

"Why not?"

"If I danced on the table; they could kick us out."

"That's true," George grumbled.

"I'll still dance on the table, "Vernon quickly reassured George.

"But _when_?" George whined.

"Not _right _now; _later_."

"How late?"

"Later."

"After ya drunk more?"

"Yeah, I want to drink more!" Vernon roared.

"Yer not ready to go home?"

"That's right!" Vernon roared.

George grumbled.

"I'll dance on the table soon enough!"

"But _when_?" he whined.

"Not now!"

"Fine!" George exclaimed.

"You're so lucky that I enjoy your company!" Vernon rumbled.

George docilely nodded.

"Can we stop arguing?" Vernon complained.

"I don't see why not," George replied.

"Good!"

"We need more beer," George complained.

"Ya right! Ya would be willing to pay for more beer?"

"I would," George said with a grin as he fingered a bottle of Veritaserum underneath the table, "I'll go order the beer at the bar."

"All right!"

George sauntered off.

"Bye!" Vernon roared.

"I'll be back!" George yelled.

"That's what ya say," Vernon mumbled, "They _all_ say that."

George was whistling a song as he waited for the bartender to pass him his order. Once the bartender pushed two large mugs of beer towards George, he stopped whistling and grinned; his grin reminded fellow occupants of the Cheshire Cat. Quickly, he emptied the Veritaserum into Vernon's mug of beer and then, he strutted away.

Once George had caught Vernon's attention, he proudly grinned at the large man.

'Harry's going to be so proud,' George thought with a smirk.

Before the night's end, Vernon would be dancing on the table and sharing his darkest secrets to an _admiring_ crowd.

"Here's yer beer, Vernon!"

"Thank ya, pal!"

George started chugging down his own mug of beer.

"Hey, George?"

"Ya, Vernon?"

"What did ya do to your brother?"

"Which brother?"

"How many brothers do ya have?" Vernon questioned George.

"Six."

"Oh my." Vernon ruddy face paled.

"I know. Kind of scary, right?"

"It's terrifying! Yer poor Mother! Were ya a troublesome child?"

"We were all troublesome," George bragged," My brother and I once blew up a toilet. We took the lid and owled it to my-"

George's eyes widened as he realized that he couldn't stop talking; he had given Vernon the wrong mug of beer.

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**3rd Author's note: The wonderful Kci47 beta'd the original. Somehow, I had accidentally let the original get deleted; I had forgotten the password to my account and time had gotten away with me. I believe that I remembered most of the corrections that she had made.**

**4th Author's note: Kci47 also suggested setting the scene; Was George trying to avenge Harry Potter? What are the circumstances? Unfortunately, writer's block and lack of time prevailed. :P**


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